Unfurled Ego

Remember you are the instructor, and therefore superior in intellect, control them.” I have heard this year’s freshman class is the epitome of academic ignorance. “I will show them who’s in charge this year.

Finishing my morning duty I notice with satisfaction that the inside of the stall has been painted dark blue to prevent graffiti. I stop to adjust my red bow tie in the mirror for the third time. Many of my colleagues believe wearing a bow tie and suit every day is an outdated fashion faux pas. But they are unable to understand the Machiavellian reasoning behind my choice in attire. By wearing clothes that make me appear weak I focus attention away from my strengths. Present your weak side to the wolves and they will never see your horns until it is too late, is my motto.

Now Straugheister, stroll confidentially down the hall and take charge of your freshman algebra class. As I leave the men’s room I hear a few laughs directed at me from some students lingering in the hallway. They are laughing at my suit and bow tie no doubt. I will give them a slight military bearing as I saunter to my classroom. Yes, by God it’s my classroom. I am not a large man, and due to my glasses and early hair loss, not a very imposing one either. Having studied the great military leaders such as Napoleon, I believe attitude and intellect are far more important than stature though.

With a confident thrust, I enter my classroom. I stand there in the doorway grilling my students to unnerve them. A quick scan confirms all twenty-seven students are here. Sensing their fear and nervousness I march to the chalkboard. I write my name in large crisp letters across the board. W . T. STRAUGHEISTER” And then I hear it.

Giggling? Do my ears deceive me? I’ll whirl on them, spin one hundred and eighty degrees to retake control. Scare the stupid brats back to elementary school, I will.

I quickly and stare down the first student I see. The little Donner kid is about to burst with laughter. I stare with one eyebrow slightly raised, eyes fixated on an invisible point in the back of the room, force your will upon them, force your will upon them. Mathematics is serious and children must be disciplined to learn it.

I turn back to the chalkboard, and rapidly write out a complex equation meant to demonstrate my brilliance, and intimidate them. Suddenly the class is gushing peels of laughter. This is too much, the walls are closing in, my bow tie is choking me, must get out, must get out.

I rush from the classroom slamming the door behind me. As I am fleeing down the hall I feel the long piece of toilet paper yank from my pants, where it slowly unfurls in the empty hallway.